Mick “mad dog” Morris yesterday defended his record, telling reporters: “When Brecxit comes, we’ll be ready. And if any of youse wanna print anyfink different, me an my boys will happily pop straight round to put you right.”
He added: “We know where you live.”
Mr Dog’s interview followed mounting criticism from others who identified themselves only as the “progressive criminal tendency”. They claim that his gang, which has hitherto specialised in armed robbery and extortion, simply isn’t doing enough to prepare for the explosion in black marketeering and rackets they believe will follow a no deal Brexit.
Speaking in a half-audible husky whisper, Don Donaldo, Chief rival and head of upmarket Italian syndicate, Il Ragno, said: “I have not seen politicians so confident about the future since Erich Honeker delivered his final Five-year plan for the future of East Germany. And we all know what happened to him.
“Or maybe you don’t. Best not to ask, eh?”
He went on: “If the British government delivers half the success that these deluded communists believed in, then we are looking forward to a golden age for crime, as the inevitable shortages start to bite. Everything, from basic foodstuff to luxury items, will be up for grabs.
“And the best thing: who will send us to jail? Our customers will be the middle classes desperate for one last hit of guacomole before the trade barriers come down. And what class are magistrates, judges, lawyers?
“We gonna make them so many offers they just can’t refuse!”
Poles to Newcastle
But Dog hit back, claiming he was doing the best he could while hampered by skills shortages. He said: “Youse just can’t get the starf nowdays! Once pon a time, Briton led the world in black marketing. Nah look at us: a nation of ID fraudsters an phone scammers.
“But we are recruting in places what know about this stuff. Even as we speke, my Associate, “Fingers” McCavity is over in Poland signing up loads of skilled black marketers wot have had not a lot to do since the Berlin Wall fell over.”
However, a Spokesman for the Department for exiting the EU told us that this was all “total nonsense”. He said: “Britain will be ready, don’t you worry. There will be NO food shotrtages.
“But just in case, would you mind mentioning to Mr Mad Dog that I am partial to a good prosecco.
“Er. You won’t print that, will you?”