In a shocking new survey published by YouGov today, it turns out a majority of voters thought they were voting to leave the Eurovision song contest. In the first survey to include Eurovision on the list of options, the final tally suggests a stonking 74% wanted the UK to leave the song contest immediately.
This compares to just 44% voting to leave the EU, 22% expressing a preference for leaving the EEA, and 82% ticking the box labelled “EFTA: WTF?” There was also some confusion over the WTO, which a majority wanted to keep, in the belief that it was something to do with wrestling.
Commenting on the result, Derek Smith, a taxi driver from Doncaster, said: “I’m sick of all this Euro nonsense! It’s just an excuse for filthy foreigners to take the piss out of British songs. And they always make our lads fly off to some dump that no-one’s ever heard of, like Stockholm or Kiev or Paris, and eat sheep’s testicles or some other foreign muck before they let them sing. It’s a total scam.”
Derek’s friend Malcolm agreed: “Someone should think of the children. It’s just not right: all those nancy-boys prancing round the stage in their sequins and frills. Didn’t one of the women have a beard?
“But”, he added, “those Polish milkmaids were a bit of alright!”
According to elections guru, John Curtice, this result is surprising, but not entirely unexpected. He said: “In the early days of Eurovision, the UK went from strength to strength, winning the Eurovision song contest with quintessentially English songs like ‘Boom-bang-a-bang’.
“But it is now 20 years since we had even a sniff of a win, and the mood changed after the humiliation of 2003, when our entry – ‘Cry Baby’ by Jemini – received nul points.
Asked whether this meant we should now reconsider Brexit, a spokesman for the Leave campaign said: “Absolutely not. It is clear that the British people voted to leave anything and everything to do with Europe. Europol, Eurobank, Eurotunnel: if it’s got an EU in it, we should be leaving it now. And that includes Eurovision.”
UKIP leader and part-time yodeller, Paul Nuttall agreed, adding: “Did you know I won the Eurovision Song Contest once? No, honestly.”
Graham Norton is not as old as he looks.