Emergency services called to Shakespeare’s home at New Place, Stratford-on-Avon earlier today were temporarily confused to discover that the house had been pulled down in 1759 and replaced with a garden.
They were nonetheless able to administer treatment for shock to a number of “Shakespearies”, who had arrived shortly before and according to a spokesperson for West Midlands police, were “wandering everywhere: over hill, over dale, through bush, through brier, over park, over pale, through flood, through fire.”
A Mr Mark Antony, aged 42, who cut short a holiday in Egypt to attend, said: “If you have tears, prepare to shed them now”.
This was echoed by another bystander, Malcolm MacMalcolm, who said: “the grief that does not speak whispers the o-er wrought heart and bids it break.”
Newspapers around the Globe (Bankside, South London) were quick to speculate on how W “Billy” Shakespeare met his end. Typhoid, syphilis and influenza were all cited as possible causes. According to the Daily Express, in a story headed Bard hash sex shame shock, the discovery of traces of cocaine and marijuana in clay pipes found close to Shakespeare’s home meant a drugs overdose could not be ruled out.
As conspiracy theorists continued to construct ever wilder explanations for the death of large numbers of much loved and famous people since the start of 2016, a clearly exasperated spokesperson for the Office of National Statistics issued an official clarification. He said: “Over 50 million people die each year around the world – and half a million of them are from the UK. Some of them are famous.”
Support for this view was provided by deceased poet, John Donne, who added: “Any man’s death diminishes me.
“Get over it.”
Breaking: Last Syrian dragon slain. Police seek migrant saint in protected species extinction shocker.
In other news: “Up yours, Ma’am!” 452 year-old bard of Avon celebrates Queen’s 90th with sonnet pointing out he’s survived MUCH longer!
“4/23? That’s, like, 4/20 – but with a 3” say stoners everywhere.