Labour Party supporters were this evening shocked and dismayed to learn that officials had decided to cancel the leadership election and hand the decision over to George Osborne “in perpetuity” – or at least until such time as someone could work out what the party actually stood for.
A spokesman explained: “we have just spent the last month telling people who want to join the Labour Party that they can’t join because they are not sufficiently in tune with the party.
“Now we learn from the BBC that the only people who want the candidate we want to win are people who left the Labour Party years ago because we were not sufficiently in tune with them.
“The time is out of joint.”
He went on: “O cursèd spite,
That ever I was born to set it right!”
Mr Andrew Burnham was later arrested on suspicion of trying to stab arch-rival Jeremy Corbyn in the back through a smoke screen of scare stories and dastardly rumours.
Lawyers for Mr Burnham excused his actions on grounds of temporary insanity brought on by the stress of having to campaign for a position that was rightly his.
However, Detective Inspector Bryan Jones of the Metropolitan police dismissed this explanation, observing: “Though this be madness, yet there is method in’t.”